


Torchwood Consulting is Open for Business

by orphan_account



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, F/M, Gen, Heist, Leverage Fusion, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-03
Updated: 2012-03-03
Packaged: 2017-11-01 01:07:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/350302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack Harkness is asked to steal forklift plans for Bilis Manger with a team of shills. Then the team's double crossed and more help's brought in. Based on the Leverage episode "The Nigerian Job," written by John Rogers and Chris Downey.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Torchwood Consulting is Open for Business

**Author's Note:**

> This was a fic meant to be for a big bang, but the moderator of the big bang went AWOL. I decided to let my artist go and post the story myself.
> 
> Leverage fandom tag removed 2/2/14.

Torchwood, as the man known as Jack Harkness knew it, was over. The organization died the day Alex Hopkins killed his own Torchwood team as well as himself, except for Jack. Then again, it wasn’t like Jack could be killed, anyway.

Jack’s last official day still haunted him. He was organizing older Torchwood artefacts in the Archives when he heard feet running down the hallways leading to the Hub.

“MI5. MI5. Freeze and come out with your hands up.”

MI5 handcuffed him and led him out of the Cardiff docks. Jack’s dream to take over Torchwood and make it an organization the Doctor could be proud of was over.

With his vortex manipulator still broken and still years off before the Doctor could return to his time stream, Jack returned to the only thing he knew after the demise of the Time Agency: running cons.

 

The government took over Torchwood and renamed it MI42. They were much quieter than their predecessors. Aliens were rarely seen over the skies of the United Kingdom under their reign.

Jack caught wind of MI42 via the Cardiff branch investigating a pteranodon in the area in 2001. Fearing the Cardiff branch of MI42 would know what he looked like Jack decided to head to the MI42 branch in London. Using the name of Ben Barnes, Jack landed a position as an assistant there. As he was walking into MI42 one day, someone exposed Ben Barnes as Jack Harkness. Jack was forced to flee London MI42 vortex manipulator-less.

After the Ben Barnes con, Jack performed various cons in Cardiff. By 2007, he was pretending to be a general physician. It was immediately after Jack was discovered at the hospital he was practicing in that Jack found himself at a bar in Mermaid Quay.

“I’m sorry, sir, but this is the last call,” the bartender told Jack, still in his doctor’s coat. “You have 15 minutes to finish that rum and Coke and then you have to go.”

Jack took a gulp out of his rum and Coke when a man in a blue suit and a red cravat walked up towards him.

“Mister Jack Harkness.”

Jack stared at the man.

“Bilis Manger, Iblis Material Handling. I know about you—I’ve heard things from some of your former marks. The Benedictine monks you swindled were amused with the con you played on them. Your former co-workers at Cardiff University? Not so much. Let’s just say if you put your small toe on the campus grounds, you’ll be headed to prison in no time.”

“This isn’t a good time to talk to me right now. Will you leave me alone?”

“Can you perform a con for me? I can hire shills for you, and everyone’ll walk away with a £650,000 payoff to split amongst yourselves.”

Jack sighed. “Well, I’ll need a new place to hide out from and £650,000 is a start. What do you have?”

“One of my engineers stole my plans I was to showcase at a stockholder’s meeting next week. If I don’t get those plans back, my company may be in big trouble.”

“And you want me to steal them back with the help of your shills.”

“Exactly. And you’re the sanest person to lead them all. Are you in?”

 

****

**Williams Material Handling**

**Morganstown, Wales**

Jack stood directly in front of the offices of Williams Material Handling. No one else on the street seemed to notice Jack standing in front of the building wearing his greatcoat. He stood in front of the building for a few minutes.

A woman wearing a black trench coat and carrying a brown messenger bag walked towards Jack. Her long, curly hair was tied back. Her skirt, also black, swayed in the wind. Her black buckled boots clomped against the sidewalk. She stood in front of Jack with a frown on her face.

Shortly after the curly-haired woman’s arrival, another woman with straight hair and a guy walked towards Jack from the opposite direction. Both were wearing leather jackets and jeans; her jacket was burgundy, his black. They stopped where Jack and the curly-haired woman were at.

Jack turned to the curly-haired woman. “Suzie Costello from Bristol.”

“Hello, Captain Jack Harkness.” A slow smile formed on her face.

“Why are you wearing a skirt? It could get caught on something and give us away.”

“It’s easier to toss out a skirt if it gets bloody.”

Jack pointed at Suzie. His mouth was agape. Jack turned to the other two shills. “Toshiko Sato and Owen Harper from London.”

Tosh nodded.

“I get the feeling you don’t talk a lot, Toshiko.”

“I’m not one for talking. I like to keep to myself.”

 

  


 

**Toshiko “Tosh” Sato**

**Alias: “Drinking Fountain”**

**  
**

**London, England**

**Three Years Ago**

 

==Phreak da Funk Zine==

Volume: 2 Issue: 1

\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\

Phreak-Phile

Britain’s Most Notorious Phreakers and Hackers

Written By

Slightly Angry and Very Angry

8 January 2004

\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\\`\

…

Kangs: Based in London. Named after the _Doctor Who_ characters. Considered dangerous by both Scotland Yard and UNIT because of their hackavist attacks on the latter. The Kangs have coordinated classified data retrieval, illicit ways of making UNIT technology (including sonic modulators) and bombings of UNIT vehicles and properties. It has been said that Drinking Fountain has been arrested by UNIT for stealing and making the aforementioned sonic modulator. The whereabouts of the other Kangs are not known.

Known membership:

Drinking Fountain

Fire Escape

Air Duct

The Very Last Kang

Tilda Rezzie

Tabby Rezzie

Maddy Rezzie

Pexxx

  


“Quiet but dangerous. I like that.”

Owen shook Jack’s hand.

Jack sniffed the air. “Ooh, have you been drinking?”

“No, sir.”

“I don’t know about that. I can smell Hendricks Gin from a mile away. You must be my team. We’re going to discuss my plan in this building. If all else goes well, we should be in and out of Williams Material Handling in no time.”

 

Owen was attempting to open a side door at Williams Material Handling with lock pins. Suzie held a flashlight over the lock.

“For fuck’s sake, Owen. I told you I can open doors just as well as you can.”

“This isn’t going to take long, sweetheart.”

“It’s Suzie Costello. Call me sweetheart again and your pins are going straight up your arse.”

“Shut up, Suzie.”

  
_“Guys,_ ” Jack said over his headphone, _“would you stop fighting? Toshiko and I can hear you. If you two are bickering, we’re bound to miss something and this con is over. Think about that._ ”

Owen was still working on cracking the lock.

“Can we talk about mundane things while we work?” Suzie asked.

  
_“Of course. As long as I’m not going deaf while you’re talking about it, it’s fine.”_

Suzie took a breath. “Did you hear about the big Tiffany & Co. jewel heist last year?”

**London, England, Six Months Ago**

The Old Bond Street Tiffany & Co. had closed. Suzie, dressed as a security guard, was walking around the store, making sure everything was in order. She retired to the CCTV room of the store after she was done.

The televisions showed no activity going on inside of the store. Suzie picked up her brown bag and hung it over her left shoulder. She flipped a switch, turning off all the alarms in the building, and left the room.

Suzie went back into the showroom. She went to a display case that held a £2400 stainless steel ladies' watch with a black lacquer face. She picked the case open with her lock picks and grabbed the watch, tucking it into her bag.

She was about to walk out the store when she stopped. “Why stop now?” she said to herself. “Why not grab a pair of earrings and a necklace while I’m at it? I’ll look good in them.”

Suzie went back and picked the locks to a case with earrings in it. She took diamond drop earrings coated in platinum. She did the same thing to a case with a platinum circle pendant in it.

Suzie turned the alarm back on and took the CCTV off of its loop. As she left Tiffany’s, she had acquired £12,550 worth of jewellery. She rattled her bag and headed for the Tube.

“I engineered that heist by myself. The TVs, the silent alarms, everything. Tiffany’s still hasn’t found me. And I proudly wear what I got from the heist to this day.”

“Well, that’s stupid.”

“Stupid? It’s an upgrade from wearing a washer around my neck with a string. What’s your story, Owen? I doubt it’s as spectacular as mine.”

“My story’s just as spectacular as yours, Suzie. Except it involves computers. And online dating. And no heists at Tiffany’s."

**London, England, Three Years Ago**

  
**DrJonesRoyalHope:** sorry

  
**DrJonesRoyalHope:** mum and sis are at it again

  
**DrJonesRoyalHope:** so where were we?

  
**TheyCallMeDrLove:** Still stranded in Addis Ababa. Bole International. Problems with visa. Tried to get in Ethiopia on school visa when I needed travel visa. Been in customs for two straight days. Need £££ to get home to Manchester. Will drive straight to London once I get back.

  
**DrJonesRoyalHope:** how much do you need

  
**TheyCallMeDrLove:** £500 for a flight on Emirates

  
**TheyCallMeDrLove:** £75 for a rental car

  
**TheyCallMeDrLove:** and £150 for a hotel room

  
**TheyCallMeDrLove:** So in total, about £850. Can you wire the money or leave me your credit card? It's urgent.

  
**TheyCallMeDrLove:** Where'd you go? I'm using illegal internet at this airport.

  
**TheyCallMeDrLove:** Martha?

  
**DrJonesRoyalHope:** sorry

  
**DrJonesRoyalHope:** more problems with mum and sis

  
**DrJonesRoyalHope:** just want to go over a few things

  
**DrJonesRoyalHope:** can you send a picture of urself thru chat again?

  
**TheyCallMeDrLove:**

  
**DrJonesRoyalHope:** that's what I thought

  
**DrJonesRoyalHope:** traced ur IP btw, ur in London, not Ethiopia

  
**DrJonesRoyalHope:** just called the police

  
**DrJonesRoyalHope:** goodbye loser

  
**DrJonesRoyalHope:** [signs off]

Owen’s doorbell rang as soon as Martha Jones signed off of AOL Chat. “Owen Harper, you’re under arrest for fraud,” an officer said, his voice muffled by Owen’s front door.

Owen walked to the door. “Fuck me.”

 

 

“I did manage to head butt the cop before he called backup.” Owen unlocked the door. He opened it and held the door for Suzie.

Suzie blew a raspberry.

Suzie walked up the stairs. After she was up half a flight of stairs, Owen tapped his headset. “Tosh? Tosh? Are you ready? We’re inside the building.”

  
_“I’m still working on shutting down the closed circuit televisions, Owen. And Jack’s still trying to infiltrate the security room.”_

“Does the CCTV have a password, Toshiko?”

  
_“I think it does, Suzie.”_

“Have you tried Harwoods? That’s that lorry company he sometimes appears in commercials for.”

  
_“Harwoods?”_

“Hotel. Alfa. Romeo. Whiskey. Double Oscar. Delta. Sierra. No apostrophe.”

  
_“It worked. Thanks, Suzie.”_

“I’m _trying_ to be a team player for once, _Jack._ ”

 

Jack walked into the front entrance of Williams Material Handling. He was dressed as one of the security guards. As Jack walked in, the receptionist barely looked up; he was preoccupied with the UEFA Champions League final between Milan and Liverpool. Jack went to the directory, looked for security and walked down to the basement.

The security guard there had all the CCTV monitors on, as well as a small television playing the UEFA Champions League final.

“Hey, I’m here to talk over your shift,” Jack said as he peeked through the security room door.

“You’re new, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, I’m new to this _shift._ But I’m not new to this _job._ I’ve been training during the daytime shift for a few weeks now. Besides, don’t you want to see this game in a pub, not on a tinny little television in a security room? Everything will be okay.”

The security guard left the security room. “Thanks, mate.” He patted Jack on the shoulder.

Jack put his headset back into his ear. “Okay, Tosh, I’m in the security room. You can shut off the security cameras now.

Within seconds the closed circuit monitors were covered in snow.

“I’ve got it, Jack. Do you need me to do anything else?”

“Not unless I need you to.”

 

  
_“Suzie, Owen, have you made it to the fifth floor?”_ Jack said.

“Waiting for instructions, Jack.”

  
_“Great, Owen. Suzie, are you ready?”_

“Yes, Jack.”

  
_“The plans are in Rhys Williams’ office. I need you two to grab his hard drive and run for it. Toshiko will take care of the rest.”_

“It’s so quiet in here.” Owen said.

“Who cares? I’m here to get in, get out and get paid. And then I never have to work with any of you lot again.” Suzie grabbed Owen’s arm. “You hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“A person. Walking around. They’re going to find us here.”

Suzie and Owen stood in the hallway. She reached into her bag and concealed something in her palm before shutting the bag. She held the bag with the hand concealing the item. A guard walked up to the pair. His torch shined on their fake Williams Material Handling employee badges, made by Tosh earlier.

“Look, we’re sorry, mate,” Owen started. “My colleague and I were working late on the floor. We were just on our way out. Hope we’re not a bother.”

“Not a problem. Let me escort you to the elevator.”

The guard walked Suzie and Owen to the elevator.

“I’m really sorry, but I have to admit, my associate and I are in the middle of a heist,” Suzie said. “I know you’re supposed to perform heists at gunpoint. But what’s the fun in performing a heist at gunpoint...”

Suzie pressed a button on the object in her palm. A blade came out of it; it was a flick knife. Suzie put the knife on the guard’s jugular vein.

“when you can do it with a knife instead? Associate, can you hold this man, maybe punch him if needs it?”

“Okay, sweetheart.”

Suzie stepped on Owen’s foot. _“Suzie.”_

“Suzie, Suzie. I get it. Fuck.”

Suzie walked ran to Rhys’ office.

Owen slammed the guard against a wall. He grinned. “This’ll take a while, mate.”

 

“Jack, I’m at Rhys’ door.”

  
_“Do you need the security code, Suzie?”_

“Probably not, Toshiko. I’m guessing the code is...” She started typing in numbers into the keypad of the door. “Six...five...seven...nine.”

  
_“How did you know that?_ ” Tosh said.

"Did a Google search, found all the security codes for this place on a cached Microsoft Word document. Lucky search.”

Suzie opened the door. Once inside Rhys’ office, she powered on Rhys’ computer. After the welcome screen faded away, Suzie opened the command prompt and typed in a few hacks.

  
_“Suzie, what are you doing? I need you out of Rhys’ office as soon as possible.”_

“Oh, stay calm, Jack.” She hit “enter” in the command prompt. All the CCTVs short-circuited. “I’m doing some maintenance to cover our tracks.”

Suzie powered the computer off. She carefully took the plastic off the computer, an iMac, and took the hard drive off of the computer. She replaced the plastic screen.

“The hard drive is safe in my bag, Jack.”

  
_“Thank you, Suzie. Tosh, are you unleashing the virus?”_

  
_“Yes, Jack. It’s a Brontok virus. It’ll break down the firewalls to all the computers and introduce even more viruses to the computer system.”_

  
_“Good. Owen, let the security guard go.”_

As soon as Suzie walked past Owen, Owen let the security guard go. Suzie grabbed Owen’s hand. She pulled out her knife again and used it to operate the elevator.

“Suzie, what are you doing?”

“No security on the main floor, no working CCTV, a virus in the computers. You telling me you want to go back some odd flights of stairs, Owen?”

 

Back in the building, Suzie handed Jack Rhys’ hard drive.

“Excellent, Suzie.”

Tosh, Suzie and Owen stood in front of Jack.

“Well, gang, this heist is officially in the books. Your money will be wired to you all as soon as possible. Good luck with the rest of your endeavours, and...I’ve never seen any of you in my life.”

The four out of the building. Owen ran up to Suzie, who was walking to a parking garage.

“Hey, um, Suzie?”

Suzie didn’t answer him.

“I...don’t have a car. I had a taxi bring me here to Williams. How’d you get here?”

Suzie didn’t look at Owen. “Rental car. The guy we’re doing this job for paid for it.”

“Listen, I need a ride.”

“A ride where?”

“Back to near Cardiff Castle. That’s where my hotel is.”

“It’s out of my way, Owen. I’m staying at a hotel closer to Millennium Bay.”

“Come on, Suzie.”

Suzie sighed. “My rental’s the black Ford Ka. Follow me.”

By this time Suzie and Owen were in the parking garage.

“You know, you can stay the night if you don’t want to drive to Millennium Bay. We could order a little take-out, watch some horrid American show, have sex...”

“No, Owen. I’m leaving for Bristol around 9 AM tomorrow morning. Wank off by yourself in your bed.”

 

Cardiff

4 AM. The next day.

Suzie’s cell phone rang beside her bedside. She woke up and answered it.

“Hello?”

  
_“Susan Costello.”_

“Who is this? No one calls me Susan. And I want to go back to bed.”

  
_“This is Bilis Manger, the man you performed the heist for. Listen, I’ve got a very busy day tomorrow. Your payoff isn’t going to be at 8 at Iblis Material Handling. Meet me at 5 AM at Cardiff Airport. Park in the airport parking lot and come in the airport. There’ll be instructions to find me on the tarmac in the women’s restroom, around the sinks. You’ll see your letter—it’ll be marked with an S, while Toshiko’s will be marked with a T. Then you’re free to do whatever you’d like. Any questions?”_

“No.”

  
_“I will see you there.”_

Suzie, who was naked, rolled out of bed and started putting back on her clothes. Owen woke up.

“What happened? Don’t you want to stay in bed and bask in our post-coital glow?”

“The man on the phone, this Bilis Manger, wants me at the airport in less than an hour. He moved my payoff to 5. Says he’s busy.”

Owen’s cell phone rang. He answered it; it was Bilis.

“Who was that?” Suzie asked as she put on her trenchcoat.

“That was Bilis. He wants me to be at the airport at five. Something’s going on here.”

Suzie frowned. “I knew shagging you would get me into trouble.”

“You weren’t saying that when you were screaming my name. ‘Owen, oh God, Owen...’”

“Christ, Owen, you always this gross?”

“Yes. Yes I am.”

 

Jack was standing at the end of a runway at Cardiff Airport. Behind him was a Cessna. Suzie walked towards Jack. Owen closely followed her. Tosh was following them.

“I thought you I’d never see you again, Jack.”

“I know, Suzie, but I got a phone call last night from Bilis. He told to come here, specifically this tarmac, for some reason.”

“Well, guess what, Jack? He told me the same thing. In fact, he called Owen five minutes after he called me.”

“And how do you know that?”

“We had sex last night, Jack.” Owen grinned. “Best night of my life in Cardiff.”

Suzie glared at Owen. “With the full intention I wouldn’t see him again. But then this happened.”

“Toshiko, did you get the same phone call?”

“Yes, Jack, I did.”

Suzie hushed the rest of the team. “Jack, do you hear that?”

“What, Suzie?”

“Something beeping. Something that sounds like”—

“A bomb. Everyone run!”

The thieves ran from the Cessna. As soon as the Cessna exploded, Suzie, Tosh and Owen were sent flying through the air. Meanwhile, a flying piece of shrapnel flew into Jack’s chest, killing him.

 

Tosh woke up, her right hand handcuffed in a hospital bed. Suzie was in the bed adjacent to hers. Both of her wrists were handcuffed to the bed. Owen was in a chair; he was also handcuffed.

“Where’s Jack?” Tosh asked.

“Dead. He was hit from flying shrapnel. And the police are blaming Suzie for the bombing.”

“Only because I have a bag with lock picking tools, a gun and a knife. Justice is blind my arse.”

“They’re all convinced she did it. They don’t know anything about the person we were doing the heist for, Bilis Manger. Guess they’ll claim she’s a walking eggshell or something.”

“I can’t go back to Holloway. Do you know what it’s like there? You get shoved in your own miserable little cell. It’s dirty there. Really dirty. And no one understands me. I can’t go back, _I can’t!_ ” Suzie was sobbing.

Owen waved his fingers. “You’re not the only one going back. We’re all fingerprinted and going to jail in ten minutes. All for some botched job we all got screwed over for.”

“But you two could be released in a few years. I’m going to be in Holloway _forever,_ Owen. If you get arrested after being held at Her Majesty’s Pleasure as a juvenile, you’re in prison _for life._ I’m about to lose everything I worked on after I was released because of this job.” Suzie took a breath. “They’ve confiscated my bag, haven’t they?”

“Yes,” Tosh said. “I remember the police taking off your body before I passed out.”

“Do you remember who took it?”

“I think it was a police constable. She’s about your height, Suzie, black hair, green eyes. She has a strong Welsh accent. If I’m not mistaken, her name’s Gwen Cooper.”

 

The items from Suzie’s bag—her lock keys, her flick knife, her keys to her car and flat, a pair of glasses, and an illegally obtained handgun—were spread out on a table in the hospital. Police Constable Gwen Cooper and her partner, Police Constable Andy Davidson, looked at Suzie’s personal effects.

“I don’t get it. It doesn’t look like Suzie could pack any C4 in this bag. Or at least enough to blow up a Cessna.”

“Maybe people change, Gwen.”

“But not overnight. I think she’s smart enough to rig a Cessna to explode if she wanted to. But she chooses not to. “

Andy cringed.

“We can still arrest her for intimidating people with the knife, but she didn’t attempt to bomb or kill the other people that arrived at the hospital or that man that died on the tarmac.”

“Excuse me!”

Jack, dressed in a suit and tie, walked into the room.

“DCI Frank Haskins.”

“Why do you have an American accent?” Gwen asked.

“Moved here from the US 20 years ago. I’m a legal citizen of the UK. Listen, I think your people have jailed two of my people in this hospital by mistake.”

“Oh, no. The people that were arrested where that Cessna was bombed have police records. There’s Suzie Costello, Owen Harper, and”—

“Toshiko Sato. Tell me you have police records on Toshiko Sato.”

Gwen looked at Jack. She had a puzzled look on her face. “No. We don’t actually have a police record for a Toshiko Sato.”

“DS Sato is working for the South Wales Criminal Investigation Department. She’s working in tandem with Police Doctor Owen Harper. Doctor Harper, DS Sato and I were working to stop Miss Costello from attempting to bomb the Cardiff airport. We couldn’t stop the bomb from going off, but we were able to apprehend her. She’s definitely going back to Holloway after this.”

“I guess you were right, Andy. People do change.”

Andy grinned.

“Under the authority of my department, I have the right to confiscate Miss Costello’s bag and all the items that were in it.”

Jack grabbed everything that was taken out of Suzie’s bag and put it back in.

“Aren’t you contaminating the evidence, DCI Haskins?”

“No. My staff can tell my fingerprints from Miss Costello’s.” He swung Suzie’s bag on his shoulder. “I’m also authorized to release Doctor Harper, DS Sato and Miss Costello into my custody. Oh, and I’ll need your police car, PC Cooper.”

“My police car? What on earth do you need that for?”

“My police car broke on the way over here, and I need something to take Miss Costello back to CID. We don’t want Miss Costello causing havoc in Cardiff, do we?”

Gwen handed Jack the keys to her police car. “You’re probably the strangest DCI I’ve ever met, Mr. Haskins.”

Jack stood in the doorway of the room. “Before I leave, I want to say you two are doing a great job here, and I want you two to keep up the good work. Maybe someday you’ll be promoted to sergeants.”

“Wait, DCI Haskins?”

Jack stopped. “What is it, PC Cooper?”

“We need a doctor to make sure Suzie’s okay for release back into police custody.”

Jack’s eyes lit up. “I’ll have my man Harper do the examination. After he’s freed, of course.”

Owen shone an ophthalmoscope in Suzie’s big light brown eyes, pretending to view her retinas. She was still handcuffed to her hospital bed. Tosh had already been freed. She was covering her mouth, trying not to laugh.

“You must like this, Owen,” Suzie hissed. “A woman writhing on a bed under your command. Your dick must be hard from all the excitement.”

“Shut up, Suzie,” he whispered.

“PC Cooper,” Owen said, “with your permission, we’d like to take Suzie into police custody now. Put this vile criminal back behind bars.”

“I wish I could spit in your eye.”

“Isn’t she cute, Jack?”

“The cutest criminal I’ve ever seen.” Jack winked at Suzie. “Let’s bring her in, team.”

 

Minutes later, a police sergeant walked into the room where Suzie’s belongings once were located. Gwen and Andy were sitting at a smaller table in the room, having coffee.

“PC Cooper, there was a display of Suzie Costello’s belongings on this table. What happened to them?”

“DSI Frank Haskins took them. He said he also had the authority to release the suspects arrested in the Cessna bombing and to take my police car, sir.”

“Don’t you kids know anything?”

Gwen froze. “Sir, I’m not sure what’s going on.”

“Have you heard of a show called _The Sweeney?_ ”

“No, sir.”

“It’s a police drama that used to air in the late 70s. DSI Frank Haskins was a character on that show. I don’t know who lied to you, but you’ve just become their latest marks.”

Gwen and Andy ran to the nearest stairwell and out of the hospital. They were able to catch up to Gwen’s police car. Tosh and Owen were in the back seat of the car. Jack was in the front passenger seat and Suzie was in the driver’s seat. Suzie rolled down the driver’s side window.

“Are you PC Gwen Cooper?”

“Yes.”

“You saved our lives.”

“I what?”

“Bilis Manger was setting us up for jail time. But you gave us your police car and we can escape before the coppers can frame me. I owe you one.”

“Yeah, well, if you owe me one right now, I wish you weren’t looking at me like that. No offense, but I’m straight, sorry.”

“You never know until you try, Gwen Cooper.” Suzie grinned, rolled up the window and drove away.

Andy was prepared to run after the car but Gwen held him back.

“No, no. Let them go. I have a feeling they’re all on our side.”

**Gwen Cooper**

**Fixer and Protector of Illegal Activity**

 

Suzie drove the thieves back to the building in front of Williams Material Handling. As they were returning to the room where they planned the Williams Material Handling heist, Suzie walked with Jack.

“You’re alive? That’s impossible. I saw the metal piece hit your back. I don’t understand why you’re alive.”

“It’s a long story, Suzie, a story I’m not willing to tell yet. But I can’t die. The universe won’t allow me to. And it’s something I want to keep a secret for a while.”

“If I’m going to keep a secret for you, you may as well keep a secret for me.”

“Okay.”

“You remember that story I was telling to Owen about ‘Girl A?’ _I’m_ Girl A. My real name is Nisha Sarin.”

Jack stopped Suzie. “I have another secret. My real name isn’t Jack Harkness.”

“But you’re not going to tell me what your name is.”

Jack extended a hand to Suzie; she shook it. “Partners in assumed names.”

 

The sound of a portable printer echoed throughout the empty room the thieves were using.

“Okay, so I have one ticket to Los Angeles for Owen, one ticket to Johannesburg for Suzie and a ticket to Tokyo for myself. Jack, where do you want to go?”

“Tosh, isn’t it?”

“Yes, Jack.”

“There’s no place on Earth I want to flee to, Tosh. I’m still looking for my Doctor. He’s coming back to Cardiff in a few months. I’ll miss him if I flee now. I’ll take my chances.”

Suzie pulled out her knife. She lay on the floor, retracting it a few times. “I wish we had a couch. I could plot my revenge on Bilis on it.”

“But you can’t get revenge on Bilis, Suzie,” Jack said. “He knows all our faces. He knows our past crimes. He’ll probably have Tosh and me thrown back in a UNIT cell and you and Owen sent to prison.”

Owen took a sip from another small gin bottle. “Don’t forget, Bilis didn’t pay us either. So we’re fleeing the UK flat broke.”

“Jack, I’m getting something on my computer. The BBC’s doing a report on our heist.”

“Turn it up, Tosh. This is our one song glory.”

Tosh turned the audio up on the report. The BBC was interviewing Rhys Williams, the CEO of Williams Material Handling.

  
_“I was working on those lorry plans for five years. Five years. And where are my plans now? They’re gone. If I ever find out who broke into my offices and stole my plans, I don’t want them arrested—I want the bloody thieves deported from the UK.”_

“I’m guessing the law has convenient sketches and mugshots of us ready to send us all back to prison before we can reach the airports now. We’re all going to jail before we can even make it to Cardiff Airport—again. May as well get used to Holloway.” Suzie put her knife back in her bag.

“Rhys is right. Those were _his_ plans.” Tosh frowned. “There’s timestamps dating from 2001 on those plans. He may have converted those plans to fit different Windows builds, but he can’t fake those timestamps.”

“We didn’t steal those plans back for Bilis. We stole them _for_ Bilis,” Jack said. “He hired us because it was easier for him to hire former criminals that could take the fall for this crime than to do it himself or send someone in his company to do it.”

“He’s also a bloody racist. Why else would he hire _two_ Asian girls to do a heist?”

“You don’t want to go to Holloway. We know, Suzie.”

“You didn’t let me finish. I was going to add ‘well, I’m _half-_ Asian,’ but anyway, Jack, you’ve never _been_ to Holloway. It’s much worse than UNIT or...wherever Owen had to spend a few nights in prison. Holloway’s probably worse.”

“Three months. Belmarsh. I was in the same prison with religious extremists.”

“But you only spent three months in prison. I spent _four years_ in a shithole.”

“Enough, Suzie,” Jack said. “Save the dramatics for a theatre audition.”

Jack grabbed the airplane tickets Tosh printed and ripped them up. “You’ll get your revenge. And your couch. Bilis thinks we’re all wasting away in jail, waiting for court. But he’s wrong. We’re going to steal those plans back for Rhys and sending Bilis to jail instead. Suzie, I know you’re in.”

“Of course, Jack Harkness. Can I talk to you alone? I’ve got some ideas.”

“Certainly, Suzie. Tosh?”

“It’s much better than my idea of sending Bilis a few viruses in his computer. And some porn.”

“Oh, you. Owen?”

“Am I going to be paid?”

“Of course you’ll be paid. We’re all going to be paid. But I need to pick up Ianto first.”

“What’s an ‘Ianto?’” Owen asked. “Is it a type of scotch?”

 

Back at Mermaid Quay, Jack and his associates were sitting at a booth at a coffee shop. All of them were watching a man dressed in a hat and apron make a latte.

Suzie sat beside Tosh. “I don’t think we’ve properly met.”

Tosh didn’t look up from her computer as she prepared her files on Bilis.

“I know who you are, Suzie. We were introduced before the Bilis job went to hell.”

“No. I mean, we never talked. I’ve had my fill of Owen and Jack, thank you. You’re always on your computer. I’m trying to read the restored edition of _Ariel._ ”

“So this is your attempt at making small talk?”

“Yes. Do you do small talk, though?”

“Not really.”

Tosh pulled up more files of Bilis on her laptop.

“You’re doing all of this on a laptop. I’m a bloody engineer, and I couldn’t ever figure out how to sort that many files on a laptop if I tried.”

Tosh sighed. “Are you trying to bribe me, Suzie?”

“Yes and no. Yes, because I want you to find the location of a Mr. Pierre Archambault. I think he moved to Cardiff in 2005—Holloway staff told me when I called there once. No, because I really meant it when I said I couldn’t do the things you do and I’m a bloody engineer.”

Tosh smiled. “Thank you.”

Tosh searched a database and found Pierre Archambault’s address. Suzie wrote his address down on a piece of paper.

“Got it?” Tosh asked?

“Yes. Thank you, Tosh.”

“You’re welcome.”

Suzie rolled her eyes and went back to observing the barista. “Jack, you’re telling us a barista is going to be involved in this heist.”

“We need someone Bilis doesn’t know exists to infiltrate his offices, Suzie. Ianto is our guy.”

“He’s not bad.”

“That’s the spirit, Tosh.”

Ianto was distracted when he was foaming up the milk for the latte. The milk flew everywhere in the coffee shop’s kitchen and onto the man’s face. Owen laughed.

Suzie sighed. “After coffee, I’m picking up Gwen, and you lot will deal with it.”

 

The team was waiting for Ianto outside the coffee shop.

“Let’s see.” Jack pointed at Owen, then Tosh. “Owen, Tosh...where’s Suzie?”

“Think I saw her run towards Techniquest,” Owen said. “Who else wouldn’t give a damn about her shoes making noise on the docks?”

“Which means she’s going to the parking lot to grab our rental so she can pick up Gwen. Perfect.”

Ianto walked towards Jack, Owen and Tosh. Instead of the baseball hat and apron, he was wearing a tan leather jacket and jeans. “Sir?” he asked.

“Ianto!”

 

  


 

**Ianto Jones.**

**Barista. Ex-MI42.**

**Cardiff. Six Months Ago.**

A Weevil was spotted on Cowbridge Road. Since Cowbridge Road is lined with various shops, Cardiff MI42 had to get the Weevil off of Cowbridge Road and onto a residential street. If any residents in the area saw the Weevil, they could easily be dosed by Compound B67; they could forget the Weevil as well as MI42, and the residents would think they either slept for a period a time or were drunk and blacked out.

The street MI42 decided to send the Weevil down was Lincoln Street. Jack, on a day off from pretending to be a doctor, was walking towards Cowbridge on Lincoln when a Weevil ran by him. Moments later Ianto ran down the street. He stopped and pulled out his gun. Jack raised his hands. “Hey, I’m not a Weevil.”

Ianto put down his gun. “Sorry, sir. But how do you know about Weevils?”

“I was once like you a long time.” Jack walked by Ianto towards Cowbridge.

 

  


 

“I’m a private citizen now, sir. Honourable discharge from MI42 Cardiff. Finally got tired of the Weevils. Coffee’s more interesting to me now.”

“I can’t argue with that. We’re about to pull a con to save the reputation of a Cardiff businessman. Are you in? And please, call me Jack, not sir.”

“I’ve never done a con before, sir. Does it pay well?”

“Of course it’ll pay well. It’ll be enough to get you out of that coffee place.”

“I’m in, sir. But I think I’ll still be making coffee.”

Jack shrugged. “Okay. Now all we have to do is wait until Suzie gets back here with our SUV, which should hopefully be at the Mermaid Quay parking lot soon.”

“Are you sure she didn’t drive out of the parking lot and into Techniquest?” Owen asked.

“She’s not a first-time driver, Owen.”

 

After Suzie parked the SUV at the visitor’s parking lot at the police station, she ran into the station, sobbing. “Gwen Cooper? I need to speak to Police Constable Gwen Cooper.”

“What’s wrong?” the person at the reception desk asked.

“I’m a friend of hers from Bath. One of our friends is dying right now. I need to see her”—

Gwen walked into the lobby of the station. “It’s okay. I’m taking her to Mermaid Quay”—

Suzie began to cry in a hysterical manner.

“And I’ll get her some ice cream, try to calm her down. Be right back.”

Gwen lifted Suzie by her waist and walked out of the police office. Suzie dragged Gwen to the rented SUV and drove them back to Mermaid Quay.

“I assume this is what you owe me.”

Suzie nodded.

“I may as well join you. I had to lie about the people that twocked my squad car and left it in Barry.”Ianto made the team coffee with a coffee pot and grinder Jack stole from his doctor con, coffee beans Ianto stole from his job, and Styrofoam cups. Jack swallowed his coffee in a few gulps, but Tosh left her cup sitting by her computer. She was too busy hooking up her computer to a projector. Suzie took a sip after her coffee had cooled down and spit it out. As Ianto was giving Owen his cup of coffee, Suzie ran to the room’s bathroom and flushed her coffee down the toilet.

Once Tosh was ready, she projected an image of Bilis Manger on the screen.

“This is Bilis Manger,” Tosh started. “He’s the leader of technology development for Iblis Material Handling. Other than that, Jack, no personal details. Except he likes wearing cravats.”

“Obviously not a straight man.” Owen was in the back of the room. He poured a whole bottle of gin in his coffee cup.

“Owen, is that Hendrick’s Gin again?”

Ianto sniffed the air. “Smells like gin. It’s a perversion of coffee, sir.”

“Ianto’s right,” Gwen said. “There’s a smell of gin in here.”

“I let the gin drinking go when I thought we were down and out, but we’re about to plan a heist. Will someone take that away from him?”

Suzie grabbed the coffee and the Hendrick’s Gin bottle.

“Hey!”

“We’re not doing this heist if you’re not sober.”

She went into the room’s bathroom and poured the coffee and whatever was left in the gin bottle down the drain.

“Fuck.” He tried to lick the sink. Suzie pushed him against the wall of the bathroom. She smiled in his face.

“You fuck much better when you’re sober. And I wouldn’t mind fucking you again.”

“You cheeky bitch.”

Suzie leaned in closer to his face. “Jack gave the order, not me. I was happy to let you die of liver poisoning and vomit asphyxiation.” Suzie let Owen go and returned to the meeting. Owen followed her.

“Is this typical of your teams, Jack?” Gwen asked.

“I’ve never lead a team before. I’ve always wanted to...”

 

  


**The Boeshane Pennisula**

**41 st Century**

This was the day Jack was going to find Gray. Or so he thought.

He left home early in the morning. He packed a few snacks and a water bottle.

He searched everywhere. Around sand dunes, under patches of grass, in abandoned, burned down buildings. Gray was still missing.

By three PM Jack still hadn’t found Gray. He collapsed on the sand, face down. He spent a few minutes there before getting up.

He arrived home before the sun set. His mother noticed his sandy appearance. “What happened, dear?” she asked. “Did you find Gray? Are you sure you’re okay”—

 

  


“But I think I can. You can continue, Tosh.”

Tosh projected Rhys’ face against the wall. “His rival is Rhys Williams. Born in Wales, went to college in Wales. He’s a brilliant engineer who’s very humble except when he’s angered. They both make heavy lift trucks for UK and European markets. The difference is Rhys makes more off of his designs than Bilis does.”

Suzie yawned. “He’s got rivals. We get it. Bilis needs Frenchmen. I’ll go get them for you. And then you and I can get to work on my plan.”

“Suzie”—

“I’ll call you, Jack. Trust me. Oh, and I think I need Owen. We work well together.”

Owen nodded.

“Owen, go with Suzie,” Jack said.

Suzie and Owen left the room.

“Is this the part of the mission where we fuck in your car or something?” Owen said as the two headed back to the parking garage.

“Owen, we are fucking after we complete this con. Keep your cock in your pants until then.”

 

**Iblis Material Handling**

**St. Fagan’s, Wales**

“Mr. Manger,” Bilis Manger’s personal secretary said, “your 9 o’clock visitor, he’s here.”

“What?”

Ianto stood up from his chair in the waiting area and shook Bilis’ hand. “Mr. Manger, Ifan Talog, French-Wales Transport and Trade.”

  
_“Great, Ianto,”_ Jack said, peering over Tosh’s computer. They both were in a van marked Kandalinga Cleaners, parked outside Bilis’ building. “Keep going.”

“Are you commercial?”

“No. Private, sir. Very private. Keep your grifting quiet, I say.”

“Grifting? I’ve never heard of that before.”

Ianto leaned into Bilis’ ear. “Of course you know what grifting is,” he whispered. “Meet me outside the building. Give you a bit of a head start.”

Ianto walked out of the office. After he left, Tosh pressed a few buttons on her computer. All the computers in Bilis’ office went down, showing simultaneous Black Screens of Death.

The secretary banged at her computer keyboard to no avail. After pausing, taking a breath and regaining her composure, she called Iblis Material Handling’s information technology department.

 

Tosh printed Suzie an Iblis Material Handling employee badge before the con began. She walked in the building five minutes after Ianto walked in, dressed as she usually was; no one noticed. Owen followed her inside five minutes later in a casual shirt and jeans.

As Ianto was charming Bilis out of his office, Suzie picked the lock to the IT department’s room. Once she unlocked the door, she opened it and replaced her lock picks with her knife. The IT department, a group of three people, froze in place.

“You have two options: either you hold still and let me bind you all with duct tape or I make it look like a homicide-suicide in here. The first option involves sitting in a closet being quiet as mice and the second is a little bit bloodier. Choose wisely.”

 

Suzie cleared her throat. _“Iblis IT,”_ she said in a convincing Welsh accent.

“Bilis Manger’s office. I’m his secretary. There’s this black screen on my computer.”

  
_“Does it say on the screen to restart your computer?”_

“Yes.”

  
_“Do that. We’re sending up someone to check out your computer right now.”_

Two minutes later, Owen, in a Superman shirt and big, cat-eye framed glasses he borrowed from Suzie, walked into Bilis’ office.

Suzie hung up. _“Don’t fuck this up, Owen,”_ she growled into her earpiece. _“And I want my glasses back in one piece.”_

Owen took a deep breath and grabbed his fists. “Hi, I’m from IT,” he said.

 

Ianto and Bilis were standing in front of Iblis Material Handling. “My company and I want to start a material handling buisness in France, sir. Châtellerault.”

“Are you sure you don’t want Paris?” Bilis asked.

“No. Châtellerault.”

  
_“Good,”_ Jack said over Ianto’s earpiece. _“He was trying to trick you.”_

“Isn’t that what you’re going to propose at your next shareholder’s meeting, sir?”

“Ah, yes, I was! You’re a remarkable young lad.”

“Thank you, sir.”

 

Suzie walked into Bilis’ office.

“Who’s she?” the secretary asked. Owen was pretending to inspect the inside of the secretary’s hard drive. He had managed to take the cover on the hard drive off.

“Sue Costa, IT.” Suzie was still using her Welsh accent. “I’m here to check Mr. Manger’s computer.”

The secretary stood up. “It’s locked, miss. Would you like me to open it for you?”

“Yes, please.”

The secretary unlocked Bilis’ office and let Suzie in. She returned to watch Owen attempt to “fix” her hard drive.

“I think I found the problem,” Owen said. “Something happened all over the network. Shut the computers down. They should start up soon.”

Suzie crept under Bilis’ desk. She turned his computer on. While it was starting up, Suzie put a bug at the very front of his desk. Once it was on, she put a flash drive in Bilis’ hard drive. “You can extract his files now, Tosh,” she whispered over her earpiece in her English accent.

  
_“Done,”_ Tosh said after a few minutes.

  
_“Grab Owen and meet us back at the van.”_

“Yes, Jack.”

Suzie left Bilis’ office. Owen had his hand on the secretary’s thigh.

“All fixed. Tell me, are you single?”

“Sorry. I have a boyfriend.”

Owen frowned. Suzie grabbed the back of his shirt. “Come now, Eugene.” Suzie switched back to her Welsh accent. “Back to IT we go.”

As Suzie dragged him to the elevator, Owen asked, “Why are you being so rough?”

Suzie returned to her English accent. “I’m being the psychopathic bitch you want me to be.”

 

Ianto and Bilis were still in front of the building.  Bilis adjusted his cravat. “I don’t think I can help you, lad.”

“I’ll take my business to Williams then. They like innovation.”

“Wait. You’re trying to trick me, aren’t you?”

Ianto looked at the ground. “Yes, sir. I’m so ashamed.”

Bilis shook Ianto’s hand. “The meeting’s on. I look forward to doing business with you.”

“My office will call you to do business tomorrow.”

  
_“High five, Tosh!”_ Jack high-fived Tosh. _“We did it! Ianto, when the coast in clear, get in the van.”_

 

Later that afternoon Gwen’s squad car drove up to an office furniture warehouse; it was followed by a small lorry. Gwen, Suzie, Tosh and Owen stepped out of the car while Ianto and Jack stepped out of the lorry.

“You’re a really great driver, Ianto,” Jack said as he and Ianto were walking to the warehouse.

“I did the best I could, sir. I’ve never driven a lorry before.”

“Well, maybe you should drive more of them.”

The warehouse was locked with a heavy duty padlock around it.

“Gwen, do you have the bolt cutters?” Suzie asked.

Gwen opened the trunk of the squad car. Inside was a lock similar to the one on the warehouse door, bolt cutters and safety glasses. Suzie put on the safety glasses, grabbed the bolt cutter and broke the lock. “Thanks, Mum.”

“Why are you calling me Mum? You’re not police.”

“I like to put smiles on peoples’ faces.” Suzie grinned. Gwen sighed and frowned.

Everyone opened the warehouse’s garage door. Inside the warehouse were several office supply furniture pieces, including desks and cubicle panels.

“Okay, team,” Jack said, “we need enough cubicle panels to make our office look…well, like an office. There needs to be a space for a small meeting area. And maybe we should snag a few desks. Definitely a table and chairs. _Lots_ of chairs.”

The team started grabbing up cubicle panels and loaded them into the lorry.

Before the lorry could take off with the stolen goods, another squad car pulled up to the warehouse. He walked up to Gwen, who was standing by the side of the warehouse. The other team members, hearing the squad car pull up, hid in the lorry, hiding behind the furniture they loaded. There wasn’t enough time to grab the lorry door and shut it.

The officer rolled down his window. “Got a call about a LGV in front of a warehouse in this area. Heard it was a break in, possibly with a UTMV.”

“No, no. They’re people that work here. Forgot their locks to the warehouse, so they had to break their lock to get in. They’re almost done—they’re all waiting to use the bathroom before they leave. They’ll lock the warehouse when they’re done.”

The officer pulled out his walkie-talkie. “False alarm. No robbery in progress at the warehouse.”

“Have a good day, PC.”

“Same to you, PC Cooper.”

The officer drove away. When he was out of sight, Gwen walked to the back of the lorry.

“You lot can come out now.”

The rest of the team climbed out of the back of the lorry.

“Is this all I’m gonna be, Suzie? Your lookout and police goods smuggler?”

“No. I need an extra hand tonight in the RV. That’s what they call it, a RV, right, Mum?”

Gwen sighed.

 

When the team returned to their building, they unloaded all the office furniture in their rendezvous. Tosh played a downtempo internet radio station on her computer to make the environment feel as if the team was in a heist movie. Suzie called to have a limousine in front of the building early in the morning.

The team spent the early part of the night building the fake office in their rendezvous. Suzie, the only member with experience in construction, helped the other members build the cubicles and desks. She steadied their panels and made sure their construction would hold up through the night. When the fake office was made to Suzie’s satisfaction, Tosh ordered pizzas from Domino’s while Ianto ran to the nearest store and grabbed a six-pack of beer. While they were waiting, Owen carefully studied Bilis’ signature and replicated it on a few items.

The six celebrated in the makeshift office’s meeting room. After the party was over, they crept out, making sure no one spotted them leaving for their homes and hotel rooms.

 

A limousine with tinted windows pulled up in front of Iblis Material Handling the next day. Bilis was standing in front of the building. A slim man dressed in a suit and wearing sunglasses stepped out of the car and opened the passenger seat door for Bilis.

“You must be the lad Mr. Talog sent to pick me up. Thank you, sir.”

Bilis sat in the limousine.

The slim man sat back in the driver’s seat. He made sure the window separating the passenger area from the limo was shut. He took off his glasses and his driving cap and drove Bilis to the fake offices of France-Wales Transport and Trade. The slim man wasn’t a man at all. It was Suzie, and she smiled all the way to the team’s rendezvous. She had to restrain herself from giggling.

Suzie drove the limo to the parking garage of the building the team had worked in for the past few days. She put back on her glasses and hat and opened the passenger door. Ianto greeted Bilis near the side entrance to the building as Suzie sat back in the limousine, awaiting Bilis’ return.

 

“My French clients would like a finder’s fee if you work with them, sir,” Ianto said as Bilis and he stepped off the elevator to the floor of France-Wales Transport and Trade.

The two entered the fake office. Gwen was sitting at the makeshift receptionist’s desk. She was wearing a long-sleeved top. She was crossing her legs often, attempting to adjust to wearing a skirt.

“Hello, Mr. Talog.” She smiled. “Your clients have arrived and they’re waiting for you in the meeting room.”

Ianto and Bilis walked to the meeting room.

“This skirt’s so uncomfortable,” Gwen whispered into her earpiece. “Why couldn’t I wear pants, Jack?”

  
_“Gwen, I’ve been in a_ lot _of offices. None of those women wear jeans on the job. I know Suzie’s skirt may be a little tight-fitting, but it’s the best we can do under short notice.”_

“How the hell does she go around and do everything in a skirt? She’s a bloody engineer, and she shows up to this job in a _skirt._ ”

  
_“They’re disposable and cheap. And who wants to save jeans when they’re bloody or dirty? You have to think practically, Gwen.”_

“Yeah, I’ll take advice from a daft woman when I know the world’s ending, thanks.”

 

In the meeting room, Ianto and Bilis were concluding their talk with the fake French businessmen.

One of the French businessmen spoke a phrase in French. “We’d be obliged to do business with you, Mr. Manger,” the other businessman said. “There will be new factories in Châtellerault soon. And now, Mr. Talog, a parting gift.”

The French speaking Frenchman tilted his head. Ianto walked to him; the Frenchman gave him £650,000. Ianto gave Bilis the £650,000. Bilis nodded at the two men.

“It’s been great doing business with you gentlemen,” Bilis said.

  
_“Okay, team,”_ Jack said through his headset, _“tomorrow, Bilis gets conned. Let’s get ready.”_  
  
Bilis went to his shareholders’ meeting. After his speech to them, the shareholders applauded Bilis’ latest plans to expand Iblis Material Handling. Ianto and his fake associates walked in the meeting room as soon as Bilis was done.

“You’re a great liar, sir.”

“I certainly am, Mr. Talog. Why don’t you and your associates hang out here for a while? The shareholders are about to break for lunch.”

“Certainly.”

The shareholders cleared out of the meeting room. Ianto and the Frenchmen walked into the meeting room, but Ianto quietly slipped back out again with the other shareholders.

Bilis, not noticing Ianto’s absence, picked up a telephone in the meeting room.

“Alright, you can come in now.”

Within seconds SOCA officers swarmed the meeting room. Gwen followed them.

“Officers, arrest this”—

Gwen placed Bilis’ hands behind his back. “This is a mistake. I’m not Ifan Talog. I talked to a Mr. Pierre Archambault, and I told him to arrest these French officials and Ifan Talog for bribery.”

“Mr. Manger, I _am_ Mr. Pierre Archambault,” the French-speaking businessman said. Gwen nodded.

Bilis’ jaw dropped. “But Ifan Talog knows Owen Harper and Suzie Costello! They’re career criminals! And I remember this woman arresting me was in those fake offices as a fake secretary.”

“I’m PC Gwen Cooper. I have no idea who you’re talking about, sir.”

“There _is_ no Ifan Talog on record living in Wales, Mr. Manger,” Pierre said. He’s a private citizen who wanted to help SOCA out with this case. In fact, it was Miss Costello who tipped us off on your illegal activity.”

  
_“What?”_

_  
_

  


**Two Nights Ago**

Suzie turned down onto a residential street adjacent to Cowbridge Road. After walking by a few houses, she knocked on the door of one of them.

“Pierre Archambault.”

Pierre let Suzie into his home.

“Nisha Sarin. I haven’t seen you since they let you out of Holloway.”

“I was visiting Cardiff. I heard you moved into the neighbourhood after you left London.” She winked. “From a friend. I need a favour from you.”

“From my favourite model prisoner? Of course.”

“I know you have ties to SOCA. I read it in a newspaper back in Bristol. My friend’s an employee with Iblis Material Handling. He believes Bilis Manger, and not an assorted bunch of crooks, are behind that Williams Material Handling heist.”

“Oh, really? Tell me more, Nisha.”

 

“His name’s Pierre Archambault, Jack,” Suzie told Jack over her cell phone. She was sitting in her rented Ka. “He used to be an officer at Holloway. Moved to Cardiff about 2005-ish. He works with SOCA—Serious Organised Crime Agency. A little flattery and pretending to be sane can get you places.”

  
_“SOCA? Aren’t they involved with the government?”_

“SOCA’s corrupt, Jack. Very corrupt. Like every other government agency.”

  
_“Like MI42,”_ Jack whispered.

“I need Ianto to pretend he works for Bilis and I need him to meet Pierre.”

  
_“Suzie…I have to admit, your plan’s brilliant. Keep up the good work.”_

“Thank you, Jack.”

  
_“Hey, Suzie?”_

“Yes?”

  
_“I think you’re missing something in your master plans.”_

“How can I be missing something? My plans are immaculate.”

  
_“We need a vehicle to park near Iblis Material Handling. Tosh can’t sit in the lobby hacking into Bilis’ computers like nothing’s going on. Can you steal one?”_

“Already on it, Jack. I’m waiting for Owen to pull up beside me so we can come back to the base. If I knew it would take him forever to steal one bloody van, I would’ve put a mask on, broke the window with my gun and ran off with it myself.”

 

While Suzie was sitting in her Ka, Owen walked into Kandalinga Cleaners, a dry cleaning business.

“Hello. Owen Harper, Cardiff P.D. We need to repossess your van.”

“Excuse me?” the woman sitting behind the desk of the cleaners said. “You don’t even sound Welsh.”

“I transferred from Scotland Yard. I needed slightly fresher air. Anyway, we’ve got reports that a local terrorist is about to take your van and put explosives in it.”

“Why would they need specifically my van?”

Owen leaned on the counter. He looked into the woman’s eyes. “That _wasn’t_ the right way to approach you. Have you ever heard of a woman named, um, Suzanne Daley?”

“Suzanne Daley?”

“Yeah, she’s the leader of a hate group in Cardiff. She’s always had a grudge against a Mr. Pierre Archambault.”

“Pierre Archambault?”

“Yeah. Retired from Holloway a few years back. She’s kidnapping him right now.”

The woman stared at Owen. “What does she want with the van?”

“She’s going to rig it up and cause a distraction so the police and fire department won’t know Archambault’s missing. And if I don’t get the van now, that’s _exactly_ what is going to happen. I don’t know how long we’ll need this van, but we’ll need it long enough so Suzanne doesn’t rig it with explosive or repossess it from us. I need your keys _now!_ ”

The woman handed Owen the keys to her van.

Suzie picked up her phone in Pierre’s house.

“Suzie?”

“Did you get the van, Owen?” Suzie turned to Pierre. “That’s Owen. He’s one of my co-workers.”

“Yeah. But you may want to leave. I told the shopkeeper you’re a terrorist that’s going to kidnap this Pierre man.”

“You didn’t use my name, did you?”

“No. I used some name I saw in a TV show once. But the actress in that show who played that role kinda looks like you, so I’d leave anyway.”

“You got that trick from bloody Jack Harkness.”

“Hey, it works, doesn’t it?”

 

  


Despite his hands being handcuffed, Bilis ran through the meeting room and down the floor it was located to catch up with the shareholders. Pierre caught up with him.

“Are any of you involved with the bribe?” Pierre asked the shareholders.

“Bribe?” one of the shareholders exclaimed. “Heavens no.”

“I gave Mr. Manger £650,000 to attempt to start a business in Châtellerault.”

“I never got a cheque from you! That’s why I called you! Mr. Talog pocketed the money!”

“£650,000 appeared in your bank account overnight. _You_ cashed the check, Mr. Manger. Are you going to tell me the sky is purple all of a sudden?”

Gwen caught up to Bilis and grabbed his wrists. “Sir, SOCA officers have retrieved computer and paper files from Mr. Manger’s offices.”

“Good. Have them take the files to our truck.”

As soon as Pierre said that, Jack, Owen, Tosh and Suzie were taking files and computer drives out of Iblis Material Handling and into a marked SOPA truck.

 

Jack waited for Rhys in the team’s rendezvous. After the files were placed on the SOPA truck, Suzie led the deconstruction of the fake office with Ianto, Gwen and Owen. Tosh checked the drive Owen stole from his office, made sure the files were corrupted with Iblis Material Handling information and handed it as well as a backup file on flash drive to Jack. Suzie and the rest of the team returned to the warehouse where they stole the office equipment.

“You Jack Harkness?”

“Rhys Williams. I’ve heard so much about you.”

“I know you have.”

Jack patted the hard drive. “I’ve got your hard drive. We checked it to make sure it still works, and it does.”

“I really should send you lot to prison for the rest of your lives.”

“But instead, my team and I are giving you your hard drive back in exchange for dropped charges.”

“And I want your women that broke into my building and hacked my computers to fix what they did. No pay.”

“Deal.”

Jack gave Rhys the drives.

“You know, Bilis promised all the members of my team £650,000 to share amongst themselves. That was when my team had four members. Now it has six members. And all of them are going to take £108,333 instead.”

“You asking for payment for this job?”

Jack smiled.

“All right, I’ll give you £650,000 total. No more.”

“Thanks, Rhys, but if the London Stock Exchange plays out, we’ll get even more money.”

“Fuck you, Jack Harkness!” Rhys yelled as he left the rendezvous. Jack laughed.

 

Before Tosh left with the rest of the team to return the office furniture, she left Jack the phone number to Bilis’ office at Iblis Material Handling. Jack called Bilis’ number.

“Bilis. This is Jack Harkness. You screwed the marks you hired for me as well as...me.”

Bilis was sitting in his office as SOPA officers examined his office.

“I know.” Bilis put his office phone on speakerphone. He put his head on his desk.

“I heard, through one of the marks you screwed—and you _really_ should’ve have screwed Toshiko Sato, she’s a genius—that Iblis Material Handling took a _huge_ drop in the London Stock Exchange after yesterday’s SOPA raid.

“I know.”

“You also know that Suzie Costello broke into your office and put a bug under your desk.”

“And I’ll use that against you, Jack Harkness.”

“No, you won’t. The bug didn’t work in the first place. Suzie thought it’d be a cute distraction from what she was really doing—taking any of Rhys’ stolen plans off your computer as well as your personal information for Toshiko.”

“What?”

“Not only did Suzie and Toshiko steal the files on your computer, Tosh also had your banking information. She withdrew the £650,000 you owe us and then some. You know, for emotional pain and suffering. And it should be coming to your office very, very soon.”

Jack, dressed as a guard from Lloyds Banking Group, wheeled in bundles of pounds on a pushcart in Bilis’ office.

“One million pounds for a Mr. Bilis Manger?”

Bilis groaned. “I give up, Jack Harkness. You win.”

“Oh, about Ifan Talog? Ifan’s not his real name. He goes by Ianto. And he really likes coffee, so if you sent him a few bags of your best brew, he’d be grateful.”

 

Back in the team’s rendezvous, Jack handed out the stacks of money to his team members.

“And £166,666 for me. You know, this is the first time I was given a chance to lead a team. And although sometimes it went awry—it’s much harder to wrangle five adults and tell them to do what you want—we made a great team.”

Jack shook the hands of the team members. “You’re all free to go. Go home, go to Paris, go to Johannesburg for all I care. I don’t ever want to see you all again.”

One by one the team members left the rendezvous, leaving Jack alone. He sat on a windowsill in the office room, looking at his share of the heist money.

Ianto came back into the room. “I forgot my coffee maker, sir.”

“No, you didn’t. You took it back to that coffee shop you work at the next day.”

“I think you’re wrong.”

Ianto went to the closet in the office. It was empty.

“Jack,” Suzie started as she walked into the room, “I’ll be honest. I was very, very close to leaving that dump of a job in Bristol. It’s so boring. We keep redesigning the same Blenheims, Series Sixes, Speedsters and Fighters.” She sat beside Jack, being sure not to sit on his stack of money. “That company’s going to go bust in five years. A life of crime’s more intriguing than the all new 2009 Blenheim. And this is even better than my latest secret job.”

Jack raised an eyebrow. “Secret job?”

“Illegal gun runner and occasional gun modifier. I use the name Stephanie H. Underwood. Matches my personality perfectly, Jack.”

Jack laughed.

Tosh walked into the room. “I really like Wales, Jack. Do you have any pointers on where I might want to live?”

“Not right now, Tosh. I haven’t had a steady home in years.”

Gwen followed her. “This payoff from this heist is more than what I make in a year, Jack. And think of all the people we could help if we continue doing this.”

Owen followed Gwen. “I’m just here for one more heist, Jack. That’s what we’re all here for. Figure something out and just buy this goddamned office for our base.”

“You know what, Owen? You’re right. Let’s chip in, buy this office and start a heist business. And I’ve got a perfect cover for it.”

In a house in Cardiff, Jack’s team—Owen, Suzie, Tosh, Ianto, Gwen and himself—sat on a couch the best way they could. In front of them were a distraught couple.

“I saw a police constable push our daughter into an oncoming train,” the woman said. “But the courts said it was an accident. He’s working the areas near the trains and we can’t stop him from doing his beat.”

“That’s not a problem. My team and I, we’ll give you a voice. We steal things so the greediest people pay and the victims prosper.”

“Just like Robin Hood,” Owen added.

“You need an organization that works for you. You need...Torchwood.”

 

  


**January 20, 2010**

**Nearly three years later**

The Torchwood Organization was gathered in their rendezvous, which, over time, became known as The Hub. The middle floor of the Hub held desks for each team member as well as a meeting room to discuss each heist. This was also the floor Tosh, Owen, Jack and Gwen (having convinced the Cardiff police force Torchwood was a lawful, yet above the law, organization that can work with the police at times) spent the most time on. Jack even had a secret bedroom on this floor, but only Suzie and he knew where it was.

Ianto had the ground floor to himself, to give the Hub the appearance of an actual private business. He also had a station where he made coffee on the Hub’s middle floor. Suzie had the basement of the Hub to herself; there she worked on weapons and vehicles, including Torchwood’s SUV.

Except for the occasional check up provided by Suzie to the physical components, the Torchwood mainframe was housed on the top floor. Making sure the digital components worked seamlessly was Tosh’s job, in addition to researching and briefing cons along with Ianto.

On this particular day, the Torchwood Organization was gathered around Tosh’s flat-screen TV. They were watching a programme on the Crime and Investigation Network, which was ending. Tosh changed the channel from the Crime and Investigation Network to Bravo. The continuity announcer was making a snide remark about the previous programme that aired. “And coming up next on Bravo, it’s the UK premiere of _Leverage._ ”

As _Leverage_ began, Nathan Ford was seen sitting in a bar, drinking something with cola in it as Victor Dubenich approached him with a con.

Jack walked behind the couch to view _Leverage_ on the television. “Gang, this looks familiar. It’s the story of our first con, starring that guy from _Ordinary People._ ”

The rest of the team looked perplexed except for Tosh.

“Judging by everyone’s looks, I think none of us have seen _Ordinary People,_ Jack,” Ianto said. “You may as well have said he was starring in thin air.”

“ _Ordinary People—_ it’s based on theJudith Guest novel,” Tosh said. “It’s about a family torn apart by a death and a suicide attempt. It won the Academy Award for Best Picture in 1980.”

“Except for Tosh. Thank you, Tosh.”

“I read the Wikipedia entry on _Ordinary People,_ Jack. I’ve never seen it.”

Jack threw his hands up in the air.

On the television the _Leverage_ team met on the street for the first time.

“Okay, this is _definitely_ the first time we met for American television. Which one of you told our story? Suzie?”

Suzie stared at Jack.

“Tosh?”

Tosh shook her head.

“Ianto?”

“Do I look like a man who tells his secrets to everyone, Jack?”

“Gwen?”

“No, Jack, I don’t know who on earth would gab about the Torchwood Organization.”

“Owen? You know I know it was you. I was teasing everyone else.”

“You got me. I may have told some guy in some bar during one job over a drink.”

“Owen, you don’t do _a_ drink.”

“Okay, Jack. Two drinks. Three drinks?”

The rest of the team complained to Owen on how his betrayal to an American writer or producer cost them the chance to get royalties for _Leverage._  

“Hey, hey, hey. Let’s look on the bright side. _None_ of these characters are ever having sex or cursing. It’s one of those American basic cable shows.”

“You’re right,” Jack said. “They may be actors in Hollywood _pretending_ to be us, but they can’t ever be us. We’re Torchwood.”


End file.
